Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
