i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
When did angry sex become our thing?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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