my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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