i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
