Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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