also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
