"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
