the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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