She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
