my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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