Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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