in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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