I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
