Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
