How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Are we still banned from the library?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
