I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
