i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
