i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
