Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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