I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
