ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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