I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
