Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
