She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
He felt like a one man threesome
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
