The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
