I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
