Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
