You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
