fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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