Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
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