I skipped work to stalk him.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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