drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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