I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
it's great music for shaving your balls
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
