I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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