Too much gin, very little bucket
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
