just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
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