Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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