Umm I'm too high to move.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
why do cheetos always look like penises
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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