brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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