Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Randomize
