what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hippo gnu deer
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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