Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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