glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
