I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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