I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
