just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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