i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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