Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
