In the future we'll all be gay
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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