My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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