That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
