So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
