FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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