I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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