I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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