true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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