apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
