Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
