Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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