He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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