I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
