Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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