dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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