the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
It's just like the Real World with babies
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
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your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
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Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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